Q: How are a banjo player and a blind javelin thrower alike?
A: Both command immediate attention and alarm, and force everyone to move out of range.

Q: What's the best recording of the Walton Violin Concerto?
A: "Music Minus One"

Q: What's the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a baby elephant?
A: Eleven pounds.

Q: Why are violist's fingers like lightning?
A: They rarely strike the same spot twice.

Q: How many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 13 - one to do it, and twelve to stand around and say, "Phhhwt! I can do that!"

Tuba Player: "Did you hear my last recital?"

Friend: "I hope so."

Q: What's the difference between alto clef and Greek?
A: Some conductors actually read Greek.

Glissando: A technique adopted by string players for difficult runs.

Relative minor: A guitarist's girlfriend.

Q: How does a young man become a member of a high school chorus?
A: On the first day of school he turns into the wrong classroom.

Subito piano: Indicates an opportunity for some obscure orchestra player to become a soloist.

Musica ficta: When you lose your place and have to bluff until you find it again.

Vibrato: Used by singers to hide the fact that they are on the wrong pitch.

Q: What is the difference between a violist and a prostitute?
A. Prostitutes have a better sense of rhythm.

Did you hear about the Tenor who was so arrogant the other Tenors noticed?

Q: What do you call a hundred conductors at the bottom of the Ocean?
A: A good start.

Q: Barenboim, Levine and Mehta all went down in a plane crash. Who survived?
A: Mozart.

Q: What's the difference between a Lawnmower and a Viola?
A: Vibrato

Q: How can you tell when a singer is at your door?
A: The can't find the key, and they never know when to come in.

Q: How do you get two bass players to play in unison?
A: Hand them charts a half-step apart.

Q: What's the difference between a dead chicken in the road, and a dead trombonist in the road?
A: There's a remote chance the chicken was on its way to a gig.

Q: What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A: A vocalist.

Q: How do you get a guitarist to play softer?
A: Place a sheet of music in front of him.

Q: Why can't voice majors have colostomies?
A: Because they can't find shoes to match the bag.

Q: What do you do if you see a bleeding drummer running around in your back yard?
A: Stop laughing and shoot again.

Q: How many 2nd violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they can't get up that high !!!!!!

Q: What do you call a musician with a college degree?
A: Night Manager at McDonalds.

Q: How many vocalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they hold the bulb over their head and the world revolves around them.

Soprano Sofege: do, re, mi, me, Me, Not You, ME!!

Q: How many Bluegrass players does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, and five to stand around and complain about it being electric!

Q; How many record producers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: "I don't know ... what do you think."

I tried to write a song about drinking ... but I could'nt get past the first two bars!

A guitar player walks past a bar ... well it COULD happen.

 

Thanks to everyone who contributes to this rather outrageous collection of music and musician jokes.

Your may find more music humor, crazy headlines, dumb blond jokes, and others in the Joke Time section on Vermont Living Magazine.

Please email your demented musician jokes to info@musiconnection.com and we will eventually add them to this page.



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